Thursday 18 January 2007

Italian

Love 'em or hate 'em, they-a make-a for a prrretty good-a piss-take-a materrrial


Italy Jokes

An Italian riddle - what does FIAT stand for?

Fix it again Tony
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Frenzied Italians at traffic-lights


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."


"Listen, God is everywhere, trust me, he is absolutely everywhere," the wise old Sicilian priest told little Gianluca, who thought about this for a moment, before grabbing a half-opened matchbox lying on the table, quickly snapped it shut and declared triumphantly: "Got him!!!"


Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!


A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"


Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"


How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...

How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.


Q. What's an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.


A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

Sunday 7 January 2007

Wales and a Crayola New Years Eve

*** Happy New Year ***
29Dec06 - 01Jan07:
A time of festivities and merriment, this New Years celebrations didn't disappoint.

Accepting the invitation from my mate Leanne to spend time with her in Wales and then head off to Cornwall for New Years Eve was one of the best decisions I've ever made this year. This would have to be one of the best NYE's I've ever had. I spent it with relatively recent yet cool friends in the small seaside town of Looe which fully rocked the planet on 31Dec06.

But firstly, joined by fellow Gredos veteran Fletch, he and I got ourselves to Carmarthen Wales, where Leanne was waiting for us in the cheauffeur limosine :) .
Madame butterfly drove us to her relatives place in Mwnt (pronounced Moont), a small village on the coast close to Cardigan.

The drive meandered through picturesque fields, driving by overflowing rivers and period villages. Fletch and I may have been a slight distraction for Leanne as we got a tad lost. With no map handy, the only way to check for directions was...to stop at the nearest pub, have a pint, and ask the locals for directions.

Once back on the road and Leanne got her bearings back, it wasn't long before we were at the cottage in Mwnt.

The hospitality and friendliness was second to none. The small cottage where we stayed at was so quaint with a warm heritage feel, and the surrounding towns and scenery were beautiful.

Leanne being a seasoned "pub crawler" took us to a few "locals" in Cardigan. The pubs are old and have so much character, not to mention the actual locals themselves. I found listening to Uncle Ray's stories and watching the "real" locals walk in and out of the pubs quite fascinating.
Coming to a place like this and seeing the "small town" friendliness is quite refreshing from London's more reserved, if not cold hospitality. It made me miss home.

Saturday morning: After a hearty breakfast where sausages, crumpets, cereals, and toast etc were on offer, and packed our lunch for the "road trip", we had a brief walk around the area where we visited Mwnt church. The siteseeing though was cut dramatically short as it started pissing down with rain. The sprint back to the cottage of course resulted in us getting drenched, but this did not deter us from getting ready for the trip to Cornwall.

Again, a picturesque drive through the Welsh countryside, hitting Bristol to haul-ass on the M4 to Exeter, then had a brief stop in Saltash at a party hire place to get ideas for costumes for New Years Eve. To be frank, I walked out of the shop not feeling very inspired at all. We still had no idea for costumes on NYE.

We made another pit-stop before getting to our final destination - Looe, at a pub which was owned by Leannes' family's friend.
Conversation is as follows around a table in the pub between me, Leanne and Fletch (not really verbatum):

Leanne: Right guys, lets brainstorm this...I love brainstorming... let's think of what we could go as for New Years Eve, come on guys.....
Fletch: Brainstorming, right, well what we should get is paper and pencil to right down the ideas....
Me: Yeah brainstorm..."pencil and paper"...well....let's go as pencils?.....we could just get coloured cardboard, make a pointy hat etc it's do-able....
Leanne: ....Pencils (said with an inquisitive look)...yeah, pencils....
Fletch: Yeah, Faber Castells!.....
Leanne: Pencils...or crayons! We can go as crayons...Crayola....yeah! what do ya reckon?!
Fletch: Nah, I reckon Faber Castells...
Leanne: Nah, Crayola....whatya reckon?
Me: Crayons...pencils....I reckon crayons would work, yeah....
Fletch: Crayons....
Leanne: Crayons! Fuck yeah, crayons!....all right hahahaha......

.....and the rest, so they say, is history! Click here to see the pictures which tell a thousand words...and then some :) (Below are just some of the photos to give you a taste of the events).

New Years Eve town party, where we got to mix with pirates, the Flintstones, Loony Toons, Mexicans, cowboy-cowgirls, Smurfs and Jedi Knights - just to name a few characters that we brushed by in the pubs and meandered through the streets of Looe.

The icing was put on the cake when my flatmate Marina and mate Phil came to join us in Looe for the celebrations...
The veterans at Carmarthen Station all charged for the weekend...
...Beautiful Looe...

...crayon making and the NYE party...







...the journey home.